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Oilers 4 - 3 Flames

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I did it like they do it in Europe. I feel good about it.

Calgary Flames v Edmonton Oilers Photo by Codie McLachlan/Getty Images

The Edmonton Oilers (21-24-3) played host to their provincial - and historical - rivals, the Calgary Flames (25-16-7) in a game that means something to one team, and nothing to the other.

The Oilers won 4-3 thanks to two goals from Brandon Davidson, a Zack Kassian effort that actually counted, and an overtime winner from Ryan Strome courtesy of some Connor McDavid magic.

IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE WROTE HAD THE NHL NOT BEEN AN ACTUAL FUCKING JOKE OF A LEAGUE LIKE WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO EXPAND THIS GOD AWFUL PRODUCT TO EVEN MORE MARKETS THAT DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT IT!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Annnnnnnyway............

The Flames scored a couple of goals too, and managed to avoid losing Matthew Tkachuk for any length of time after Patrick Maroon slew-footed him. Beyond that, they are still a collection of human shit birds and I, frankly, do not care for them. Not one bit.

However, their opposition are a bunch of shit birds, too. The Edmonton Oilers are out of the playoffs. In January. With Connor McDavid, their captain, and the reigning ALL-THE-IMPORTANT-TROPHIES winner, making under $4MM against the cap this season. Please, do not let this result let you forget that - even for a second. OK, maybe like one second. But during that second please keep in mind that they don’t care about you and will happily piss in your mouth and tell you it’s raining en route to offering you a role in their latest in-house documentary series: Oil Changed, But Like There’s Still Those Four Flat Tires and That Cracked Radiator.

First Period

The Oilers were down two after the first period. The fans were booing Milan Lucic, he whose contract extends for FIVE YEARS beyond this one. He whose roster slot was available thanks to a mind-numbingly stupid bit of business by his boss’ boss. He who couldn’t make a pass at a sex worker he’s already paid. He who is not fucking good enough right now.

I was asleep. It was wonderful. The mood on twitter was spicy. It convinced me to keep the game off and wing it. I mean, fuck it right?! These guys don’t care, why should I?! I don’t get paid for this shit. I don’t get paid to take actual time out of my life to cover this piece of shit franchise. Why should my give a shit be even a smidgen higher than theirs, given what both parties will be remunerated for tonight’s work? You’ve made me hate you, Oilers. How could you have let it get this bad?!

Second Period

Word on the street, is the Oilers allowed the Flames free reign to do whatever they wanted for about 14 minutes. Then the Oilers scored two, and tied the game. People were less angry. Other people were more angry, given that this brief period of not being actual, unrecyclable garbage might keep some people employed longer than it should, but let’s be real here - the Oilers are almost certainly going to fuck up when they hire his replacement - so why the rush?!

Why might people be desperate to see the Flames shithouse their cherished Oilers in their own rink?! Could it be because, again, by fucking January, wins simply don’t matter?! In fact, they might actively hurt?! Dahlin is coming, and someone’s going to get him. Why can’t it be the Oilers?!

Just typing that has my armpit sweat dripping down my ribs. I’m so over this clown show. What a joke of an organization. I have nothing to say but regurgitated whingings and, to be honest, what else is there to say?!

Taylor Hall is an All-Star, and Adam Larsson has 5 points.

Jordan Eberle is alive, and Ryan Strome is a mistake.

Matthew Barzal is a phenom, and Griffin Reinhart is an insurance salesman, or firefighter or something probably.

Matt Barwick is not a cokehead, and Peter Chiarelli is arguably the worst executive in NHL history.

Third Period

By now, you should have somehow, realized these headings are just for show. At no point did I see even a second of footage from this contest. If a gif from the game *even threatened* to reach my timeline, I would block and report whomever tweeted it. Without remorse.

I had made plans to watch, too. I told Jeff I’d cover the game this morning, and scheduled my evening around it. Then?! I fell asleep. Because Oilers game days do not excite me right now. They are an obligation. A duty. And even then, obviously, not one I take that seriously.

In the third period, the Oilers managed to take the lead through Davidson’s second. Then, the Flames tied it. Then nothing else happened. Like, hockey did, I assume. But, I didn’t watch it. No ragrets.

Overtime

The Oilers won the game. Ryan Strome scored, apparently thanks to a bit of Connor McDavid magic. I can’t confirm. I didn’t see it. I didn’t care to see it.

THANKS AGAIN GARY, YOU DICK!!!!!!

Shootout

The Oilers finally won this game in a shootout. What a farce.

I don’t care about the Oilers right now, and barring a 10-game heater (ALL in regulation, btw), I’m not going to resume caring again until the offseason. I’d be remiss if I didn’t suggest you might want to double check against the box score but does it really fucking matter?! The Oilers beat the Flames in a meaningless game, as part of an already-lost season, and are being overseen by a bunch of idiots. I’m happy about this win for like a second, and it’s nobody’s fault but theirs.