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Ducks some. Oilers less.

The robbers become the robbees. Except without the stealing. It was more like an estate sale. But for no money. Like here, take our stuff already.

Perry Nelson-USA TODAY Sports

It started out well enough. Just past five o'clock local time, the upstart Edmonton Oilers played host to the bullshit shitbird Anaheim Ducks. Fans chewed their nails in anticipation. More food than usual was eaten to comfort the anxious. Buttholes everywhere. Clenched.

And then it got better. By some grace of god, a technical difficulty (thanks, Rogers) forced someone other than Brett Kissel to sing the US national anthem. "It's happening, isn't it?" We all thought.

The chills were real. Slankets came out of their shame closets, once buried underneath not-so-fancy guest linens, and the shitty towels you only give to your in-laws.

Beverages were poured. Erections, both male and female, were... Erect. Whatever.

Anyway. Point is, people were excited. Even those dope smoking, hippie Californians probably. Those piece of shit Ducks have some fans down there, I'd wager.

But then the game started. Holy shit, what happened?! Less than thirty seconds in, the visiting pond scum slipped one past Cam Talbot. Uh oh.

No big deal though right? The Oilers are the truth right now. They can answer any and all questions posed by any and all opposition.


Well, not right away.

The Ducks managed to score two more in the first twelve minutes to evaporate any remaining oxygen in Rogers Place.

Cam Talbot was doing his best Jonas Gustavsson impression, and the Oilers were doing their damnedest to look like any number of other Oilers teams without Connor McDavid on it.

And then it started happening.

..Well, shit. Almost.

The Oilers relied on their resident Trump voter Patrick Maroon to spark their comeback, as he glided (glode? gloded?) in from his probably-preferred right wing to legalize Ryan Nugent-Hopkins' tip toward goal. Who knew a Trump guy would be an ally for legalization? What a time to be alive.

Then, taking a page out of the Ducks' first round performance against the Calgary WeGetFluShotsBeforeYouDos, the Oilers' benefited from a flukey bounce. After the Benny Hill music died down, Anton Slepyshev was rewarded on the scoresheet and the home side was down by one.

Oh my god, you guys. It might happen. It's gonna happen. It's happening. The Oilers are winning everything forever.

AND THEN. HOLY SHIT. Connor "The Young Mother Fucking Pope" McDavid blessed us all with a goal right out of NHL 17, when he turned on a dimebag and made Sami Vatanen look like Mr or Mrs Russell - whichever one taught Kris how to control a gap - before promptly wiring one top corner. Wow. Holy moly everyone. That was about as special as K. And we all know how competitive the grown-up cereal game is.

Unfortunately, Talbot was still playing like a man possessed by a bad goaltender, and was directly responsible for a weak go-ahead goal near the end of the second frame. I don't care who scored it and neither do that guy's parents, he was an accident after all.

That effectively killed the game, and our spirits, as the Oilers were never able to will another goal over the line, while the dirty fucking Ducks managed to squeak home another couple.

Oh well. Given how the Oilers GTA-bank-heisted game two in Anaheim, this is completely no harm, no foul for me.

Loser Point

Cam Talbot has proven so far that he won't be this bad very often, and as long as that continues to be the case, I still like the Oilers chances moving forward. At least in this series. And then in the other ones, too. The Oilers will win all of the things.

Now's the time for the group to re-group (it works better if you say it with a hard 'E' on the the) and refocus for a tough game four on Wednesday. Apparently the Ducks are flying to Kelowna. If I were the Oilers I might lobby for a few 'random' drug tests to be waiting for them when they get back. Stupid Californian hippies.

Also Calgary sucks.