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For this momentous Battle of Alberta, with the visiting Oilers (11-14-2) limping into town with a depleted roster to take on the home town Flames (14-11-2) on Hockey Night in Canada, I decided to try something new. In an effort to same time and, well, effort, I’ve decided to simply publish my live-tweeting of this contest. I hope you enjoy. But, also - perhaps more accurately - I don’t care either way.
Due to my general contempt for all of you, I'm going to put in the very bare minimum tonight and simply publish my tweets, and some choice other tweets, as the post-game article @CopperandBlue.
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Please be funny, so I don't have to be.#fozzytweetstheBOA
It was received as you might expect:
Eat shit Barwick!
— Raider☠Jesse (@EdmontonRaider) December 3, 2017
The Oilers were down Adam Larsson and Cam Talbot, two important pieces of an already underachieving roster. How did they do? Did they do well? Let’s find out:
First Period
Cassie is expecting Kris Russell to have a good game tonight and we all hope that is the case I believe#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Benning with a nice play on the 2-on-1 after the NOT THE BEST pinch#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Benning with the first penalty and I think we can all agree that the Flames are jerks for jumping in line for medicine that one time#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Local hero Kris Russell couldn't have drawn that penalty better with a pencil because well let's face it he's not very good at art either#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
You'd think I might have threaded this whole mess together but I mentioned the general contempt already right oh well 4 on 4 for ~2 minutes#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
A DOUBLE MINOR HOLY SHIT WOW#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Oysters shorthanded for the next ~2:40. I think it's high time I ordered something to hate eat for the next two periods.#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
As a reprieve from what amounted to a pretty tough start, I decided to poke fun at the Flames’ first unit powerplay in a tweet that would hold up, 100%, throughout the game. [Note: It would not hold up. Letestu later scored, as did the Flames powerplay.]
The Oilers are behind a team that plays Troy Brouwer on its first unit powerplay. Think about that
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
....Mark Letest-who?! I'm not sure who you mean.#fozzytweetstheBOA
The Oilers, through Jesse Puljujarvi, got on the board first, and I was so excited I forgot the hashtag.
#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Damnit. https://t.co/RpHyF9En3Y
I haven't seen a Fin that big since I went fishing for that big finned-fish that is appropriate for this joke#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
That's a penalty for cheating. Draisaitl with a nice little 'How's your brother?!' to Hamilton. Hamilton actually loves his brother so he stopped and answered but then eventually woke to the ruse but it was too late so he took a penalty#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Patrick Maroon with a goal proving once again that actual trucks can score NHL hockey goals#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Patrick Maroon scored to stretch the Oilers’ lead, but it was called back promptly.
WOW!!
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
"Not today, trucks!!" - NHL
Or something like.
"Not on my watch, trucks!" - NHL
Something like that.#fozzytweetstheBOA
Oilers trying the sneaky TWO drop pass entry on the powerplay because let's face it Gordon Bombay knew his fucking shit#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
It wouldn’t take them long to extend the lead for real. Uncle Jesse was at it again:
WAIT THAT WAS UNCLE JESSE AGAIN OH HE MIGHT EVEN GET TO PICK THE TOPPINGS TONIGHT#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
He puts his pineapple on whatever he wants.#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Calgary penalty for holding and while you might assume it was for 'another flame's place in line at the doctor' you'd be shocked to find it out it was not at all for that#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
I’m nothing if not self aware. And objectively hilarious:
I've arrived upon my shtick for this post game and it is entirely run on sentences that aren't funny#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
The Flames got one back. Poor Ryan Nugent-Hopkins didn’t a two-on-one very well and the lead was cut in half.
RNH needs to do a little better on that one but how was he supposed to know his teacher takes forever to hand his assignments back#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Puljujarvi goes close and then tries to bear hug Hamonic because he's just so darn happy to be there#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
And then, the Oilers found a third via Jujhar Khaira:
JUJHAR!!!!!!!!!!
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Mike Smith couldn't handle the young center's sneaky wrist shot because I think his kids disappoint him but whatever that's personal Mike it's not our business#fozzytweetstheBOA
Someone was like have you ever seen a hockey game before and I was like no but I promise I'll let you know when I 3-1 HAH#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Second Period
How are people liking this idea, you ask?
These reactions are perfect for my thread article idea I'm so glad it is only for the article you are doing that and not at all because you truly feel that way in your heart#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
WHEN I SAID BE FUNNY FOR THE GOD DAMN POST GAME THIS IS NOT HOW I MEANT IT, CALI#fozzytweetstheBOA https://t.co/veHWArOjCC
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Mark Letestu found another for the visitors:
MARK LETESTWHOEVERDOUBTEDYOUISANIDIOT
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
That SHG brought to you by Kris Russell's cowboy parents#fozzytweetstheBOA
At this point, it’s 4-1 for the good guys. Forgive me if I got a little lazy.
I should probably have had other comments about this second period so far but the Oilers have been doing their thing and I've been enjoying it#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Dave Randorf just said that Mark Letestu's got a short-hander and honestly what a horrific way to describe someone's spouse my god#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Tkachuk and Nurse taking a keen interest in each other's skincare routine but from here it looks like Tkachuk eats too many chocolate bars and people don't see the real him#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Ho hum, ho hum. Drake Caggiula missed a breakaway before Leon Draisaitl also missed a breakaway.
More like LeOff am I right?!#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Objectively. Funny. Otherwise, they were continuing to do some work.
Oilers with some good work down low there and JAMIE BENN#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Stajan just hurt Matt Benning and Daryl Katz' kid is getting sized up just in case for the third period.
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Just kidding they already know his sizes#fozzytweetstheBOA
And then the most magical thing happened. Commentator Cassie Campbell-Pascall said TAKE A SHIT on national TV. I kid you not. Naturally, I noticed.
Cassie Campbell just said and then acknowledged that she said TAKE A SHIT on air and I am so here for this the rest of the live-tweet will be solely focused on this specific thing#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
SEE SHE TOTALLY SAID IT
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
I'm 7.#fozzytweetstheBOA https://t.co/PXJJmUnNO8
Inspired by Campbell-Pascall’s stirring speech, the Oilers kept pushing with Milan Lucic cashing in to make it 5-1.
LUCIC!!!
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
It crushes my unbelievable 4-1 joke going into the break, but it's 5-1 good cause.#fozzytweetstheBOA
Third Period
OK so the more I look back at the shit clip the more I'm confident that Benning actually pooped a little I mean look at his face the poor guy in front of so many people#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Maybe all along Lucic was the appliance that Crosby was shooting at.#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
What do you think?! Also, worth a mention:
FIVE-ONE OILERS: THAT'S HOW MANY CUPS! #fozzytweetstheBOA
— I am Illustrious (@IllustriousFox) December 3, 2017
Shortly after this one, the Flames made a goaltending change, bringing on David Rittich in exchange for the struggling Mike Smith. It did not go well, with the young netminder promptly giving Maroon a gift:
Maroon scores a tap in. 6-1.
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
The Chronicles of Rittich.#fozzytweetstheBOA
Then, Laurent Brossoit appeared to have a small-to-medium stroke for the next 10-15 minutes. Don’t believe me? Look:
6-2 be you, Oilers. - The Flames, probably.#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Brossoit is absolutely the answer if the question is something like:
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Who is a goaltender that the Oilers are currently playing in this game right now that probably isn't good enough to be their backup long term. This goalie right now, tonight, who is he?!#fozzytweetstheBOA https://t.co/CLE2QihEQS
At this point I realized that the Game Thread had been.... Let’s say misplaced. So that took up my focus for 3-5 minutes. Finding it. Yes, finding it.
Sorry, sorry. Update: Maroon took a penalty. Flames scored.
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Brossoit's happening?! 6-3 good guys. Bad guys doing things.#fozzytweetstheBOA
Kris Russell fell over, and before you knew it, it was 6-4. Squeaky bum time in full effect.
HEY EVEN COWBOY PARENTS GET KNOCKED OFF THE BULL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES TRIP AND FALL BACKWARDS OVER THE BLUELINE RIGHT BOB MARK AND TODD#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
I handled it well. Classy, even.
CBC FOCUSED ON MCLELLAN'S WEIGHT LOSS BUT DIDN'T MENTIONHOW MUCH OF THAT WEIGHT WAS IN HIS MARBLES LIKE WHAT THE FUCK TODD#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
McDavid with a breakaway that could have helped save one of his bosses job's and he decided, on purpose, not to score it.#fozzytweetstheBOA
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Thank god for TJ Brodie’s cowboy-being parents though. The Oilers managed to break up ice with just over a minute remaining on a two on one, before Brodie’s effort to stop the pass ended up ricocheting past Rittich and into the net. Oilers 7, Flames 5. It will be interesting to see whether Brodie’s cowboy roots are as strong as Russell’s, and to what degree he will wear that error over the weekend. The Flames did just lose to the lowly Oilers, after all.
Say what you will TJ Brodie's probably-cowboy-parents but it remains a travesty that McDavid draws so few penalties.
— Matt Barwick (@therealfoz) December 3, 2017
Final. 7-5. Oilers win.
Let's discuss how that game thread has been up the entire game that was pretty cool right?!#fozzytweetstheBOA
Loser Point
Well, the joke’s on me. Turns out, this method of cobbling together an article is just as much, if not more work. Talk about your all-time backfires. If you liked this, please, do not get used to it.
The Oilers were quite good for the bulk of this hockey game, but Brossoit looked about as confident as I do before a dentist appointment, and I don’t floss as much as I’m supposed to. I’m just kidding, I don’t go to the dentist.
This win was the Oilers’ third in their last four outings, leaving them still on the outside looking in, but like a little closer so maybe they can smell what all the good team’s in the playoff picture are cooking for dinner. Or tapas. Anyway.
Next up, the Oilers have a couple days off to sort out ‘everything going on in the room’ before taking on the Flyers on Wednesday. The Flyers are about as cold as can be right now, so hopefully the Oilers can continue to build on this recent run of not being the worst team in the league.