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Let's never speak of this again

The "visually better" Oilers were completely humiliated even worse than last night. The LA Kings rubbed their noses in it to the tune of an 8-2 final score, and only because they let up toward the end. Oh god. Those psychopaths made Tyler Bunz play. The horror.

Robin Regehr mercilessly pins Taylor Hall against the boards.
Robin Regehr mercilessly pins Taylor Hall against the boards.
Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports


C’mon baby. Make it hurt so good.

If you’re still an Oilers fan, like me, you support them with such blind devotion it makes Scientologists squeamish. Let’s face it. We’re not here for the big wins or the playoff chances or even lusty little rivalries. Nah.

There’s no one young superstar Hall or Nuge or Eberle or Yak you’re hanging your hat on. And you’re sure as hell not married to the management.

No. We like the pain. Those of us that are left anyway. We’ve become addicted to heaving huge expectations onto the backs of pink cheeked juniors who take a horsewhipping night after night. It releases a cathartic effluviance that somehow makes driving to work over snow covered potholes in April bearable.

You thinking about Leon Draisatl right now? Darnell Nurse? Yeah, baby. We’re natural born masochists.

How about putting that ECHL kid in net against the LA Kings? That was straight up pornography. But let’s start at the beginning.

First period

  • First goal: Dustin Brown is like the Tazmanian Devil in the corner, upending Keith Aulie. Nail Yakupov is there too but seems to lose track of the puck. Brown recovers and snaps it through Scrivens legs.

  • Second goal: Kings enter the zone three-on-three. Kopitar passes it to Gaborik who just throws it in top shelf.

  • Third goal: Oilers are completely boxed in like they’re penalty killing. Except they have all five guys standing around Scrivens leaving the Kings with a lot of space. Then Drew Doughty shoots it into the net.

Shots Oilers 9 - Kings 12

Second period

  • Oilers goal number one: There’s some traffic in front of the net as Schultz chucks it onto Quick and Teddy Purcell nets the rebound.

  • Fourth goal: Martin Marincin unable to contain Jordan Nolan in the corner. Nolan swings out and jams it in.

  • Fifth goal: Kings on the powerplay. Oilers swing their sticks around like table hockey players. Whatever happens. Carter scores.

Shots Oilers 11 - Kings 9

Third period - This is where we offer the hockey gods the sacrifice of Tyler Bunz for our own gratification, replacing goalie Ben Scrivens.

  • Sixth goal: LA Kings defense take turns rifling the puck into our dudes. It’s enticingly painful to watch but unfortunately one of the shots by Robyn Regehr misses our guys and goes into the net.

  • Seventh goal: Marain Gaborik shoots, Bunz gets a piece of it with his glove but it gets through and bounces in. Todd Nelson calls a timeout to brace his team for another fifteen minutes of sick humiliation.

  • Eighth goal: Jeff Carter gets a breakaway and kind of just shoots it straight at Bunz, and then, get this, he pats in his own rebound out of the air. Like it's no big deal. The world is a cruel place.

  • Oilers goal number two: Taylor Hall sacrifices himself at the blueline to get the puck to Jordan Eberle. Eberle does his patented shimmy and he puts it in making it look easy. Whatever.

Shots Oilers 10 - Kings 12

Total shots Oilers 30 - Kings 33

Mmm, yeah. I love it.

Care of

First period

17:37 KINGS GOAL Dustin Brown assisted by Trevor Lewis, Jarret Stoll 1-0 Kings
12:53 KINGS GOAL Marian Gaborik assisted by Anze Kopitar, Justin Williams 2-0 Kings
10:47 KINGS GOAL Drew Doughty assisted by Anze Kopitar, Jake Muzzin 3-0 Kings
2:47 KINGS PENALTY ROBYN REGEHR tripping drawn by Matt Fraser
1:52 OILERS PENALTY Anton Lander hooking drawn by Anze Kopitar

Second period

15:19 Big glove save by Jonathan Quick as Jordan Eberle turns and feeds Pouliot for a snappy one-timer
12:20 KINGS PENALTY Kyle Clifford goalie interference
12:05 OILERS POWERPLAY GOAL Teddy Purcell assisted by Anton Lander, Justin Schultz. Lots of traffic, Picks up rebound after a shot from the point. 3-1 Kings
7:46 KINGS GOAL Jordan Nolan assisted by Kyle Clifford. fantastic energy in the corner and Marincin can’t contain him. Jams one past Scrivens. 4-1Kings
6:02 KINGS PENALTY Brayden McNabb tripping drawn by Nail Yakupov. Sweeps his leg under him along the boards.
2:31 OILERS PENALTY Too many men. Served by Andrew Miller.
1:22 KINGS POWERPLAY GOAL Jeff Carter assisted by Marian Gaborik, Drew Doughty. 5-1 Kings

Third period

17:06 KINGS GOAL Robyn Regehr 6-1 Kings
16:45 KINGS GOAL Marian Gaborik assisted by Justin Williams 7-1 Kings Bunz gets a piece of it but it slips through his glove.
10:33 KINGS GOAL Jeff Carter 8 - 1 Kings
1:30 OILERS GOAL Jordan Eberle assisted by Taylor Hall. Taylor Hall takes the hit at the blueline to win the puck for Eberle who makes it look easy. 8-2 Oilers