Victory in Edmonton

On the morning of April 24th, at Rexall Place, Kevin Lowe, representative of the Boys on the Bus Club, and Craig MacTavish, the designated head of the Puppet State, signed the act of unconditional surrender of all Boys on the Bus offices, positions, and buses in Edmonton to Rexall Sports Corporation, and simultaneously to Oilers fans.

Bob Nicholson, President of Hockey Operations, and General Manager Peter Chiarelli signed the document on behalf of Rexall Sports Corporation, co-signed by fans everywhere.

Hostilities will end officially at one minute after midnight tonight (Friday, April 24th), but in the interests of saving lives the 'Cease fire' began yesterday to be sounded all along the front, and our dear tier 2 fans are also to be freed today.

The Loweists are still in places resisting Chiarelli, but should they continue to do so after midnight they will, of course, deprive themselves of the protection of the laws of war, and will be attacked from all quarters by the allied troops. It is not surprising that on such long fronts and in the existing disorder of the enemy the orders of the Lowe High Command should not in every case be obeyed immediately. This does not, in our opinion, with the best military advice at our disposal, constitute any reason for withholding from the nation the facts communicated to us by General McKenzie of the unconditional surrender already signed at Whyte, nor should it prevent us from celebrating today and tomorrow (Saturday) as Victory in Edmonton days.

Today, perhaps, we shall think mostly of ourselves. Tomorrow we shall pay a particular tribute to our blogging comrades, whose prowess in the field has been one of the grand contributions to the general victory.

The Loweian war is therefore at an end. After years of intense preparation, Lowe hurled himself on Hossa in 2008; and, in pursuance of our guarantee to Pleasure Motors and in agreement with the mike w, Chris!, and rest of the  Oilogosphere, declared war upon this foul aggression. After gallant Covered in Oil had been struck down we, from this City and from our united Diaspora, maintained the struggle single-handed for a whole decade, joined by the military might of the rest of Lowetide, and later by the overwhelming power and resources of Jonathan Willis.

Finally almost the whole world was combined against the evil-doers, who are now prostrate before us. Our gratitude to our splendid bloggers goes forth from all our hearts in this City and throughout the Oilers diaspora.

We may allow ourselves a brief period of rejoicing; but let us not forget for a moment the toil and efforts that lie ahead. Calgary, with all her treachery and greed, remains a playoff team. The injury she has inflicted on the Oilers, the Oil Kings, and hockey in general, and her detestable cruelties, call for justice and retribution. We must now devote all our strength and resources to the completion of our task, both at home and abroad. Advance, Edmonton! Long live the cause of hockey! God save the Little Team that Could!...

That is the message which I have been instructed to deliver to Edmonton fans, both first and second-tier. I have only two or three sentences to add. They will convey to the fans my deep gratitude to these bloggers, which have proved themselves the strongest foundation for waging war that has ever been seen in the whole of our long history. We have all of us made our mistakes, but the strength of underlying statistics have been shown to enable it at the same moment to preserve all the title-deeds of hockey while waging war in the most stern and protracted form. I wish to give my hearty thanks to men of all sides, to everyone in every part of the fanbase where they sit, for the way in which the liveliness of fanaticism has been maintained under the incompetence of Lowe, and for the way in which we have been able to persevere-and we could have persevered much longer if need had been-till all the objectives which we set before us for the procuring of the unlimited and unconditional firing of Lowe had been achieved. I recollect well at the end of the last epoch, more than a quarter of a century ago, that the fanbase, when it heard the final call of the last of the Stanley Cups, the naming of Ranford  as the Conn Smythe, which had been imposed upon the Bruins, did not feel inclined for debate or business, but desired to offer thanks to Almighty God, to the Great Power which seems to shape and design the fortunes of teams and the destiny of man; and I therefore beg to move:

That this fanbase do now attend at the Church of Kurri, to give humble and reverent thanks to Almighty God for our deliverance from the threat of Loweian domination.

This is the identical Motion which was moved in former times.