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Dragons beat unicorns. Every single time.

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The Oilers played a hockey game tonight. Read this for a detailed, accurate report of everything that happened.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Highlights

First Period

The Oilers played a hockey game tonight. Allegedly. I must confess, I didn’t watch it. I also screwed up, in a big way, and forgot to record it. Perhaps it was for the best. Now, I can just make it up as I go. Strap in, it’s about to get weird.

The Oilers started the first period riding unicorns and breathing fire. Literally. The Red Wings countered with some mythical creatures of their own – dragons, I think - and wouldn’t you know it? Theirs were better. And bigger. Leave it to the Oilers to bring unicorns to a dragon fight. Idiots.

In a curious twist, thanks to some magical magic of some kind, the Oilers were able to pitch a shutout through 20 minutes. Allegedly. Apparently, Cam Talbot channeled his inner October Cam Talbot - from October - and helped stem the tide while the Red Wings obnoxiously, and unfairly, flung a bunch of hockey pucks at him. As if worrying about all those dragons wasn’t taxing enough? Poor Cam.

Second Period

The game continued, as they often do. If the Oilers only had to play 20 minutes of hockey a night, they’d probably be leading the Pacific Division. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Instead, we live in the real world, where the Oilers are bad and the other teams usually reinforce that notion by beating them. Sometimes really, really handily.

To start the period, the Red Wings did their best impression of that asshole friend who will let you see their cool new toy, but won’t let you play with it. The Oilers were super polite and patiently waited for their turn to touch the puck, but the Red Wings had other ideas. They liked their puck too much to let the Oilers have a sniff at it, and outshot the visitors 8-0 (!!!) in the period until some Red Wing goomba finally scored. Where’s Mario when you need him? Probably still coming down from his last green mushroom bender. Never trust a druggie. Or Luigi, for that matter. He’s too skinny.

Another Red Wing scored later in the period to make it 2-0 for the bad guys. We’ve seen how this movie ends. It’s sad, but not good sad. Imagine if the animals didn’t make it back home in Homeward Bound, and they just died. Tragically. That’s how this movie ends.

Of course, the Oilers would rally to tie it via two quick goals from Iiro Pakarinen and Andrej Sekera. I’m sure the goals happened. The highlight video above can corroborate.

Don’t worry though, that hard-earned tie was short-lived. We know how this movie ends, remember? With less than a minute remaining in the frame, the Red Wings scored again to take back the lead they actually deserved. We here in Oil Country don’t get nice things. Ever. And even when we do, they break their collarbone.

Third Period

The third period was the third period, and the Oilers managed to tie the game through Pakarinen again. At least, that’s what the post-game reports from people who actually watched it said. I believe them. You probably should too.

The rest of the period was uneventful, and neither team could break the deadlock. Holy moly, the Oilers got a point. No kidding.

Overtime

Overtime lasted about as long as it took you to read this sentence about how long overtime lasted. One of the Oilers screwed up – I assume – and the game was over 26 whole seconds into the extra frame. Ah well, they had a good day though. How’d they finish again? Dead last?

Who knew that Shooter McGavin would so accurately describe life as an Oilers fan in the new millennium? What a prophet.

Deep Thoughts

In all seriousness though, I will be sure to record the hockey games I’m scheduled to write the post-game for in the future. I apologize for disappointing any of you who might have been excited about this game. But then again, the Oilers have been doing that for an actual decade, so you’re probably used to it by now. ‘Til next time.