MacIntyre's Return To Edmonton Leaves The Western Conference Paralyzed With Fear

"Not the sweater!" - Rich Lam

(Dateline: Somewhere): The Edmonton Oilers' Western Conference foes today reacted with anguish and dismay to the news that feared enforcer Steve MacIntyre will be returning to the Alberta capital after being claimed off waivers from the Pittsburgh Penguins. MacIntyre previously spent parts of 3 seasons in Edmonton between 2008 and 2011.

"It's a sad day for us, for sure," commented St. Louis Blues forward Ryan Reaves this afternoon. "We'd already scheduled our annual team meeting to discuss who was going to take liberties with the Oilers this season and who was going to get to run their show. I was really hoping to be a show-runner against Edmonton this time around, but with MacIntyre back there, that's out of the question now."

Former Calgary Flame and current LA King defenseman Robyn Regehr suppressed a shudder when told of MacIntyre's impending return to the West. "Man," said Regehr, "I was in Calgary the last time SMac played for Edmonton. I was so terrified of that guy that I could barely demolish Ales Hemsky about 4 or 5 times every game."

MacIntyre's powers of intimidation are known to be so mighty that he can reduce the opposition to quivering balls of jelly in a mere 2 or 3 minutes of ice-time, but that is not all he brings to the table. Oilers GM Craig MacTavish, referring to his team's injury troubles at centre, noted that MacIntyre is also very good in the faceoff circle. "At least, assuming a fight breaks out there when he's on the ice," said MacTavish.

The Oilers cadre of young stars will be relieved to see their protector back again as well. "When I was fighting Derek Dorsett in 2011," reminisced Taylor Hall, "I could totally feel Steve protecting me from up in the press box. Well, at first that's what I could feel - shortly after that I felt pain, and then sadness that I wouldn't be able to play hockey for awhile. But the first bit - yeah, definitely felt protected."

We reached out to enthusiastic Vancouver Canucks stickwielder Zack Kassian for comment for this article. However, Mr. Kassian was unavailable, as the news about MacIntyre had prompted him to give away all his worldly possessions, take vows of poverty and silence, and retire to a monastery to spend the rest of his days in gardening and penitence.

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