A Conversation Between Steve Tambellini and His Stats Man

Steve Tambellini: What’s this?

Oilers Stats Guy: The boxcars and statistical analysis that was requested for the Mike Brown deal.

ST: What do they mean?

OSG: Um sir, they show Brown's performance over his career, year-over-year, on a macro and micro level.

ST: Whuh??

OSG: They represent how well Brown has performed as a hockey player over the course of his career, using math as the proof.

ST: Is this the kind of stuff that interested the nerds that I beat up back in high school?

OSG: Uh, I guess.

ST: Okay, just throw it down on my desk. I don’t think that we’ll need them. After all, we’ve seen him good.

OSG: What does that mean sir?

ST: Well, his poise on the ice, his physicality, his never-quit attitude, and the fact that he is willing to stand up for his teammates. We’ve seen all these characteristics via HNIC broadcasts and from information relayed to us from the Pro-Scouting Department.

OSG: Sir, with all due respect statistics is a well-established science, and this analysis will show you that making a trade for Mike Brown will be a bad decision. My numbers indicate that he’s a barely an NHL player, and would instantly become the worst player on this team. Also, if I may be blunt, the Pro-Scouting Department has had a terrible track record and have often been caught sleeping off hangovers in their office.

ST: Hogwash! I trust them completely. Besides, I heard Don Cherry sing Mike’s praises on HNIC. Plus, I also rang up Stevie Y and got his opinion on the possible trade. He said that Mike was a stand up guy, and great in the dressing room from what he had heard.

OSG: Sir, what did Yzerman say about Brown’s hockey abilities?

ST: Nothing.

OSG: So you’re going to base this trade on a set of intangibles?

ST: Yes son. And frankly, I’ve grown tired of your constant questioning of my decisions. I don’t think you’re a fit for the culture of this organization and I believe that your number mumbo-jumbo is misguided. Your services will no longer be required. Please clean out your office and leave.

OSG walking out the door: Fine, thanks for the severance jackass.

ST to his intercom: Sarah, could you please get a hold of Chuck Fletcher for me? Tell him that I want to talk to him about Zenon. Thanks.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.

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