Kevin Lowe: Thank you gentlemen, glad to see that you’re all looking good this morning.
Bob Stauffer: DETROIT MODEL, FUNCTIONAL TOUGHNESS, TRUCULENCE, HARD TO PLAY AGAINST…
KL: Could someone please show Bob the door? This is a management-only meeting.
BS: NUCLEAR DETERRENT!!!
(Craig MacTavish gently guides Stauffer out of the boardroom and locks the door behind him).
KL: Thanks Craig. Now I’ve called this meeting in order for us to come up with a game plan going into the trade deadline. Your thoughts on what needs we can satisfy through trade at this time are?
Steve Tambellini: I talked to the guys in the locker room and they said that they don’t want any roster players moved at this time. I think we should respect their wishes.
KL: Okay, but that limits our options, especially considering that you have us sitting at 49 out of 50 pro contracts currently. But if the kids said no roster player, then no roster player; we’ll use picks and our AHL and ECHL prospects.
Scott Howson: Uh, wouldn’t this be a good time to cut some dead wood off? Whitney’s ankle is shot, Khabibulin is washed up, and the bottom half of our roster could use some secondary scoring help.
ST: Respectfully Scott, this is a roster that Kevin and I have built together over the course of 5 seasons. You haven’t been here long enough to properly evaluate this team like we have.
Craig MacTavish: I know we’ve been looking at Jack Johnson for quite some time now. Why not pull a trigger on a deal to bring him in?
SH: Oh God no…
ST: That would involve a roster player, so no dice there. We can try to get him in the offseason.
KL: Sounds good.
Rick Olzyck: Yep.
SH (mumbling): Morons…
ST: I could try to get Ben Bishop out of Ottawa, would make a great third option behind Devan and Khabby.
KL: Good idea. We can stick him down in OKC in the meantime, then when Khabby retires at the end of the 2 year extension we’re working on then Ben can be Devan’s backup.
SH: That makes no sense…
KL: Quiet Scott. Yeah, I’d be willing to give up a prospect or two and our first rounder for Bishop. Try to get it done Steve.
ST: Will do.
SH: A first rounder? That’s an overpay. Haven’t you seen what draft picks are currently worth in the trade market?
KL: I said quiet Scott.
ST: I was thinking of bringing in that Smtihson kid from Florida. You know, the one we were eyeing up when a bunch of centres went down earlier in the season. The stats guy I fired last month was dead set against bringing Jerred when we brought it up, but that guy was a tool. I think it would help shore up the centre position in the bottom 6. He’d fit right in with Brownie and Lenny.
CM: Thanks for pulling the trigger on that firing Steve, I really didn’t like him. After all, it was because of him that they sent me to that stupid statistics conference. What a bunch of hogwash. We only hired that jackass because Daryl’s son read a bunch of stuff on the internet about this advanced stats garbage. Give me the intangibles over that stuff any day!
ST: No problem, but yeah I don’t see what his issue with Jerred was. He’s improved his point totals over last year, in a shortened season to boot. And look at that face-off percentage in the playoffs a couple of years ago! That will come in handy in the first round this season.
KL: Good outside-the-box thinking Steve.
SH: Aren’t Mike Santorelli and Adam Hall both on waivers right now? I’d say they are better players than Smithson an we wouldn’t have to give up anything if we claimed one of them. And wasn’t Jokinen available on waivers not too long ago? Why didn’t we claim him again?
KL: None of them played in the WHL.
SH: What does that have to do with anything?
KL: Scott, we’ll discuss the whole Western Canadian, former WHL player thing in private after the meeting. Steve, go and make Smithson an Oiler. Give Tallon anywhere from a 2nd to a 4th rounder for him.
ST: Will do!
SH (Sighs): Geez…
CM: I think other than those items we have a strong team that will make the playoffs.
KL: I think you’re right Craig. That should be good for now gentlemen; I trust that I’ll see you all over at the Derrick Club for our daily after-work snifter of cognac?
KL: Good. Meeting adjourned. And oh Rick, here is everyone’s coffee orders, don’t screw it up again.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.