I know it's been a while since I wrote - I've just been so busy with all my important GM activities! The lockout was great cos Kev put me in charge of making sure the doors to Rexall were actually locked. This was like a super important task and I set up a little tent in the parking lot so I could keep watch and make sure that communist Horcoff didn't come and quickly unlock them all when no-one was looking. Now I'm back running the team, which is super cool, but I've never felt so happy or needed as when being charge of the lockout. As Kev said, even I couldn't fuck that up. I was so sad when it ended.
That brings me to my point. I know that some people round here have been saying some really mean and spiteful things about me and that really hurts my feelings. While us GMs may look so cool and totally awesome, when people say mean things it does hurt us too, you know. Some of you think you know what it's like to be a GM, but you don't have a clue about what it really takes. Like, the other week there was a big meeting of all the management and coaches for the team and everyone was screaming their drink orders at me all at the same time. It was totally a close thing as to whether I'd get the right number of teas and coffees. And just to try and mess me up, that Tricky-Ricky Olczyk always asks for some sort of soy-latte-pina-colada bullshit coffee that I can never remember. So I decided to make a really important decisive executive action and I just got beer for everyone. I thought Kev was going to scream at me again, but he said it's probably the best thing I'd done in half a decade of being GM. I was so happy I almost got an errection. We all got totally buzzed and then phoned up Toronto and got some guy called Mike Brown for a fourth round pick. Best. Night. Ever.
Anyway, you may not have noticed but the team hasn't been doing so well. I want you to know that this is totally not my fault. First off, Kev told me to fire Ralphy Krueger, so I went to his office to kick him out. But then he just has this weird way of staring at you right in the eyes and when he starts talking you end up listening and believing. We had this long talk about my feelings of inadequacy and how I could become the Steve that I know is inside me: the kind of Steve that can turn this dishevelled crew of wannabe hockey players into an elite team that will enjoy a decade of dominance at the top of the NHL. By the end of it we were high-fiving like crazy and I ran out to tell Kev that everything was going to be just fine. However, Kev was too busy fondling his five cup rings to listen, so I just went to my office and took a nap. Ralph says lots of power naps are really important to help me become the 'New Me'. Once I've done napping, the NHL won't know what hit it.
But the main problem isn't Ralph, let me tell you. It's that Craig MacTavish guy. Since he's come back, everything has being going wrong. First off, he told us that we couldn't keep on going in a perpetual rebuild. Doesn't he know, that's the only thing I'm good at. What a prick! I'm not just saying this because I really hate his guts. Yes, he totally tries to steal my Kev away from me. Yes, he's all Mr Fancy Wancy with his silver fox hair and his 'big' qualifications. I already had to fire his ass once for being a total failure, yet he treats me as if I'm some sort of idiot who doesn't know what I'm doing. Then, to top it all off, when I got home that night after the awesome trade, Mrs. Tambellini and me got down to making some schnuggle-scnuggle whoopums. Then right in the middle of it she called me 'Craig'. Now I have to put on a silver wig any time I want to get laid.
Anyway, big game tonight so I better get back to my power naps...
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