This week there’s been so much news to share I don’t know where to start. I’ve been assessing what to write for quite a while and I’m buzzing with excitement like when you drink three cans of the Monster energy drink that turns your pee green. For a while there it looked like things were turning bad for me. Real bad. Why? Kev and Mr Katz went and hired that MacTavish guy with the silky silver hair who did some MBA thing with a bunch of queens. A new management position was created and suddenly he was moving into the office right next to Kev and they were all slapping each others backs, kissing each others rings and talking about the ‘good ole days’ when Gretz used to get drunk on half a pint of Molson. This made me feel really sick deep down in my scrotum because I know him and Kev are really good buddies and they get to hang out with Mr Katz at the special Katz mansion and do cool stuff together. So when we were all at a meeting I asked what jobs would be left for me to do when Craig got here. Bucky said I could still make the coffee and I got angry and said that there’s nothing that MacTavish can do that I can’t do better. Bucky said I was just jealous because Craig’s smarter, better looking and can say more than a sentence without sounding like a fourth grader with ADD. That got me really mad and I shouted that he may be better looking than me but I have way more poise. Then everyone started laughing and I ran out and hid in the boys room.
Afterwards I went to tell Kev that Bucky hurt my feelings and he said it was just a joke and I am totally the most poiseful person he knows, so that made me feel better. Later in the corridor Horcoff came up and was all smiling and giggling. He asked me if my favourite animal was a porpoise. I had to look that up. Apparently it’s a kind of dolphin and those things are really smart and can do real cool jumps. I know that because I get to go to Sea World every time we play one of those California teams so I’ve been like a hundred times and each time it gets better. My wife says we have no more room for cuddly Shamu toys in the bed so next time I’ll get a cuddly porpoise. They’re smaller so they won’t get in the way so much when little Stevie comes out to assess Mrs Tambellini’s d-zone coverage and check out her cup ring.
Anyway, then came the draft which is a super cool cos I get to go up on the podium and everyone in the whole room is waiting to hear what I say rather than just ignoring me. I was really worried on Friday because the guys didn’t seem to care what I thought about the first pick. That wasn’t nice because it was me who won the lottery and I don’t get enough respect for that. But Kevin was just screaming at Stu about some guy called Murray and then Katz came in and told everyone to shut the fuck up because he was calling the shots. He said that if I went up there and called any name but Yakupov he’d either fire the lot of us or send us to manage the team in Stockton and hire the Moose to run the Oilers. So that was that and off I went to get our new Russian stud. I’ve sent him to move in with Khabi so that he can have a responsible mentor for his time here in Edmonton.
On Saturday Kev turned the show over to me. He told me to go and find our very own Luke Itch. I have no idea what he was on about, but Bucky told me that I needed to go draft some cave trolls to go along with Sam Gagner’s hobbits. Then I had one of those moments of pure Tambellini genius. Everyone keeps telling me to think outside the box so I decided to ignore the scouts and bring in the most knowledgeable person about grit and toughness that I could think of. That’s right. I got Darcy Hordichuk to run the draft. If you are looking to draft pitbulls, then who better to choose them than a son of a bitch. It was really funny because when I started calling out the names that Darcy gave me, Stu MacGregor went absolutely ape shit. I thought his head was going to explode cos it went bright red like a giant balloon. Bucky told him to chill otherwise he’d have a heart attack and the Oilers medical staff would probably misdiagnose it as an ankle sprain.
The only trouble with my brilliant plan was that Darcy can’t concentrate on anything for more than thirty seconds, so after the second and third picks he wandered off to the bar and I had to go to Stu for help. He was pissed with me and told me to fuck off. So for the third pick I thought I’d copy what we did in the first round and get another Russian cos everyone seemed to like that the first time. For the fourth round I just panicked and made up a name on the podium. I came up with Erik Gustaffson cos it sounds like the kind of thing an ace Scandinavian hockey player should be called. The damndest thing was that there was some kid in the draft with that name, so we got real lucky there, yet everyone was saying that we must have a real good connection with the European scouts to unearth these players that not even the interweb has even heard of. After that I had no choice but to beg Stu for help, at least until Darcy came back stinking of booze in the sixth. Then we could had some real fun. We even picked this really tiny guy just for a laugh.
Anyway, the draft was really awesome and I’m totally psyched with all the new trolls we’ve got. First I’m going to pretend that rookie camp is like an episode of Lord of the Rings with all these creatures lumbering around with big sticks while the little skill guys try to keep out their way. Then I’m looking forward to putting them all through a rigorous process of assessment over the next several years. The most important quality to assess: poise.
Anyhow, that was the secret of my draft day success. I know some people keep saying I still have loads to do over the summer but they don’t seem to realise that no one works in the summer cos it’s the holidays. For instance, I was looking for pictures of hot women on the interweb and came across this Blowetide guy who has a whole list of things I need to do to be a success. Who does this guy think he is? I hate his guts cos he clearly has such a crush on MacTavish that he’s probably going to shack up with him. Anyway, Kev told me not to go reading those blogs because they’re not real fans like us. All they want to do is bitch and complain and you don’t see Blowetide with six frickin’ Stanley Cup rings do you. I’d like to see him come first in the draft three years in a row.
Despite the holidays, I did have to drag myself out of bed the other day to announce that Freddy Krueger is our new head coach. To be honest, I probably should have interviewed more people for the post but Kruegi was right there and he kind of frightens me a little when he starts eyeballing me and swearing in German. So I just gave him the job. Oh yeah, one last thing before I leave. I heard some nasty comments that we need more cover at goaltender because Khabi is cooked. Listen up. I had a great talk with Khabi in April and he said he could play another decade. I didn’t really believe that at the time, but then has agent sent me this video from his secret training base in deepest Belorussia where they all speak funny. He’s clearly in awesome shape (although I never knew that’s what he looked like under all his goalie gear) and I’m looking into a contract extension right away. Five more years...
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.