Deadline day is the best day of the whole year. It’s like when I was growing up and the fairground came to town. I would spend hours just watching and working out which rides I might want to get on. Sometimes I would spend so long assessing that by the time I made up my mind all the rides were closed and the fairground was packing up to move on. But that didn’t worry me one little bit because there would always be next year, or the year after, or the year after that, or even the year after that.
All deadline days are great but this one was going to be something really special because the other GMs were going to line up and beg me to give them Alice. Having that kind of power makes me feel like Samuel Jackson when he plays a really tough pimp character in the movies. I even got an afro wig and a long fur coat to put on for all the negotiations. But then about a week ago Horcoff comes up at practice and asks why I hadn’t bothered to start talks with Alice over an extension. I hate that Horcoff guy. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone else just because he managed to get Kev really drunk that night they were doing his contract at the strip club. I didn’t like him challenging me and I thought I’d show him who’s boss. So I called over all the guys and said that everyone who wanted to play for real men like me and Kev should get in one line and everyone who wanted to be with a pussy like Alice should get in another. This was really cool and I felt like Jack Nicholson when he shouts ‘you can’t handle the truth’ at Tom Cruise in that really old movie when Demi Moore was still hot and sober. But for some reason it didn’t work. Only Cam, Andy and Jonesy wanted to be on our team and everyone else wanted to be first off the ice to get traded along with Alice. Kev was really pissed because he’d paid Tencer, Matty and Stauffer lots of money to write nasty things about Alice for weeks. Now I had to make a deal and pretend that we were really happy that Alice was staying.
Losing the chance to trade Alice made me sad but Kev said not to worry cos we could still have plenty of fun on deadline day. So when the big day arrived I was so excited that I didn’t even bug Mrs Tambellini to dress up like big George Laraque for our morning sex game. I went right to the office at 9.30 and Kev and Bucky were already waiting there like real pros. We all gave each other high fives but my hand started bleeding from Kevs six fucking rings. Then Stu McGregor turned up and asked us what the plan for the day was. I told him that we were going to drink some coffee, watch that goon movie twice (especially the cool bits with lots of ‘truculence’), and then go and make some really cool fucking trades. This sounded awesome but Stu wouldn’t stop it with the smart ass questions and comments. He said we should try to focus in on a specific ‘player type’ (geesh!) that could address a ‘team need’ (noob!) and that we should pay close attention to the ‘underlying stats’ (geek!) of any player we were considering. Kev was giggling and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. We both know that anyone who talks like that must be secretly gay or european or both.
Stu seemed pissed at us but Kev just took control. He said that the only thing standing between this team and a Stanley cup was toughness, character and having enough leaders in the locker room. Suddenly right there and then I finally knew which ride I should have gotten on as a five year old. It was time for action. Bucky said "whoever we get, they need to be a winner" so my thoughts immediately went to the Minnesota Wild. I knew Minnesota would be a good place to look because they were the most winningest team in the league earlier this season before injuries totally messed them up. This was the moment I’d been waiting for so I pumped out my chest and said that I had some important phone calls to make. Then the best thing EVER happened. Kev stood up, looked at me dead in the eyes and said "Steve, go out there and bring me back a warrior". I felt so excited I thought I was going to faint. Even little Stevie stood up to see what all the fuss was about but luckily I was able to push my chair further under the desk so no one else noticed.
Once little Stevie had gone back to sleepies I ran to my office, put on my wig and coat, and skyped Chucky in Minnesota to ask him to trade me a warrior. He didn’t answer for a little while but just sat there staring. I think he was totally surprised by how cool and tough I looked. While I was adjusting my afro he said we could maybe work out a deal for Nick Schultz but then he asked who I was willing to give back in return. The fact that we needed to give back a player he wanted was not something I had thought about. I got angry and I told Chuck that he wasn’t playing fair because I was the one who had started the game so I should be able to make up the rules. He hung up on me and I took my wig off and went back to the guys feeling sad and confused. I wondered if I was losing my touch as a really excellent GM. Fortunately when I got back Stu was out having a dump and Bucky was taking Darcy for his morning walk, so it was just me and Kev. I told Kev that I felt like I wasn’t a winner any more but he reminded me that I had come first in the draft two years in a row and that was something to be totally proud of. He told me try to think really hard even if it hurts because this was the kind of tough thing that big-time GMs like me need to do.
That sounded really difficult but I tried and all of a sudden it came to me in a flash. What we needed to do was get rid of the girly-men who are dragging this team down but that loser GMs in other cities seem to like. I thought about Alice but I couldn’t really deal him because I’d just given him a new contract and Taylor had said if I ever traded him he’d send Darcy round to smother me with his breasts. What about lil’ Sam? He’s small and if we ever get to the playoffs it’ll be embarrassing that he can’t even pretend to grow a beard. But then I remembered that I’m the ‘rebuild guy’ and I’m not allowed to trade the hobbits even for big trolls like Andy Sutton. In any case, Sam might be getting hormone therapy in the off-season.
My head was hurting from all this thinking so I went out to buy some gummy bears and a can of coke from the machines. I met Khabi in the foyer and he gave me a swig from his special Russian water bottle instead. Those ruskies really do have the funniest tasting water in all the world but Khabi swears that it’s good for you and he doesn’t drink anything else from dawn to dusk. I think he’s right because all of a sudden I got it! What about that Tom guy with the long hair? I ran back in and told the guys my big idea. Kev was nodding and I knew I was on a roll. After all, I said, you can’t make a winning team from dudes who look like ladies. Kev said that was the most profound thing I’d ever come up with and there was total respect for me around the table even though I was still wearing Mrs Tambellini’s fur coat.
Just as we all started high fiving again that bastard Stu started to say blah-blah about the transition game suffering and blah-blah too risky to ask Jeff Peewee to pick up Tom’s slack blah-blah-blah. I just shouted "who’s the fucking GM here" at him time and time again until he finally shut his face. I ran back to my office to put my wig on and phoned Chuck. He was saying something about waiting until the off-season to make any trades but I interrupted him and offered Tom Gilbert for Nick Schultz. He must have thought my idea was super brilliant because he just yelled "shit yeah!". He asked me what picks he needed to throw in to make it happen. I didn’t really get what he was on about so I told him that picks are for pussies and that seemed to really impress him. He told me the paperwork would be faxed over in less than five minutes and that I wasn’t to move or talk to anyone until then. So we agreed that this would be our little secret until everything was signed and sealed and then I could let everyone know what a smart little GM I am. I was so happy I felt like the Wayne Gretsky of the GM world! I wanted to rush out and give Cam Barker his new contract right away (but Kev told me we needed to wait until no one was watching before we did that). I looked Kev in the eyes and asked him if I had made him proud. He told me to fuck off and go speak to the press, but to make sure that Tencer tells me what to say first. But he did give me a pat on the back as I left. It’s days like these that make all the hard work of being a GM worthwhile.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.