My Day at the Farm, by Steve T.

Steve ass-essing his prospects, photo by Kenneth Allen Creative Commons License

One of the best things about being the GM here in Edmonton is running the farm. I still don’t understand why we have our farm all the way in Oklahoma when there are plenty of farms just outside Edmonton but it’s best not to ask many questions cos that makes Kev seriously bitchy. Farms have always made me really nervous since the bad thing that happened at the petting zoo when I was little but Kev told me not to worry because it isn’t a real farm just like I’m not a real GM. He also said that most of the sheep are already up here in Edmonton working for the media. Apparently this was really funny and he laughed a lot but I was still confused about why our farm is make believe so he started yelling and told me to book a ticket and go check on Teemu. I don’t know what a Teemu is but it sounds pretty cool and if Kev likes them they must be great so I might get one for my office.

As I was packing for my big day out I overheard Kev talking to Mr. Katz on the phone and he said that when everything fucked up again I would be the perfect sacrificial lamb to make the fans happy. I didn’t have a clue what that meant but it made me think I should stay well away from the farm even if it is just pretend in case that’s where they keep the dumb animals they turn into sausages. I was so worried that later on I asked Bucky what a sacrificial lamb is and he said that it was something called a ‘met a four’. I knew right then it must be super important because four was Kevin’s number and now it belongs to Taylor and he’s the future of the universe and everything. I still remember the time when Mr Katz said Kev had to give his number to Taylor and Kev got really mad. There was a lot of shouting and Kev went into his office and slammed the door and everyone heard him screaming about some young asshole punk who hadn’t proven anything and didn’t have six fucking rings. It made me think about that really long film where the funny little goblin guy didn’t want to give his precious ring to Sam Gagner. But then Mr Katz kicked the door open and told Kev to stop being a selfish prick and just suck it up in front of the media. I hadn’t heard anyone talk to Kev like that since Sheldon left but this time Kev didn’t ask me to send Mr Katz to Hershey where all the chocolates are. Instead he stormed out shouting about how shoppers drug mart is still a way better store and Mr Katz seemed really hurt and sad. Later on everything must have been ok because Kev smiled with Taylor for the cameras but I was still thinking about me and Sam having sex with the elves from the goblin film so I missed it all.

I got distracted there. That seems to happen a lot. Kev says it’s because of the pressure of being a GM. Sometimes I even forget I need to go to the bathroom so I always make sure to keep a spare pair of pants in my office. Where was I? Oh yeah. Me and my farm.

So apparently everyone in the media says I’m super good at running a farm even though I don’t actually remember being on one. This is great news because if I ever stop being a GM I will have a new job to go to. I told my mum this and she said that my great grandfather used to be a farmer so it probably runs in the family along with delusions, whatever they are. I hope I don’t ever stop being the GM because it’s really fun and you get to travel in the big seats at the front of the airplane and drink fizzy wine while laughing at everyone else who is still waiting to get on. I also get to speak to the press about all of Kev’s important decisions and sometimes he even lets me pretend that I made them. But if something bad does happen and I have to become a farmer I know I will be ok because I’ve learned that the most important thing is to keep your farm well stocked with elite talent. That’s apparently what they do on all the farms in pittsburgh and chicago and those americans grow all the best food in the world like the big mac and kraft dinner. So don’t tell anyone yet but I’m going hire Cam Barker and Andy Sutton to drive the combines on my farm cos they are great at going really slow with enormous turning circles. I’m sure lots of other farmers will want to hire them too so I’ll have to remember to give them super good contracts with mega big bonuses.

The other cool thing about running the farm is that I now have a proper excuse to leave the office and hang out at the saint albert farmers market. I thought I could pick up lots of good tips but the other farmers are always talking about boring things like wheat boarding and stuff. I still really like it cos I have a big crush on the lady who sells honey and has breasts that are even bigger than Hordi’s. That’s quite something because our Darcy has some real whoppers but I try not to think about them all covered in honey too often because that would be weird.

One time at the market I was hanging with the other farmers and that Iggy guy who plays for the baddie team in calgary showed up. I told him all about how everyone says what a great farmer I am and how one day I’m totally going to buy a broken down farm so that I can keep rebuilding cos that’s something else I’m really good at. He looked at me like I was crazy and that big crease on his forehead was wobbling up and down like a fat kid on a trampoline. I think he was laughing at me so I made a note in my diary to have Andy get another suspension next time we play him. But if I see Iggy at the farmers market again I might just stick a pitchfork up his ass when he’s not looking and then hide under the honey sellers big dress. That’ll teach him to show some respect to those of us who work the earth.

I would tell you lots more great things about being a really excellent farmer but I have to go and take my nap. Kev says deadline day is coming up soon and we have to be totally on our game. We make a really good team him and me just like batman and robin. He says he might even let me drink coffee this time but I’m still not allowed near the timbits in case I get a sugar rush and try to trade Taylor again. I know I have to be really seriously cool and everything but I get so excited just thinking about deadline day. I think I’m going to have to get Bucky to pick up some more spare pants for my office. I would say wish me luck but I don’t need it because I’ve got Kevin. And he’s got me. Together we can kick some ass.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.

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