My Press Conference, by Steve T.

Photo by Lisa McRitchie, All Rights Reserved

Earlier this week I had a press conference. I really love them and Kev says they are an important part of my job. I got to speak and people actually listened to what I was saying and that makes me feel important. Sometimes it is hard to put all the words together right, but I told people how great Andy is and how he is the goaltender's best friend. Earlier I asked Kev if that's because Andy is the goalies' designated driver and he laughed so hard coffee came out his nose. I didn't get the joke but that's ok cos I like to make Kev happy. The only thing that went wrong was that everyone kept asking hard questions about Alice Hemski and no-one commented on my nice tan. I wanted to tell everyone how I went to Florida for the weekend with Kev, Mess and Mr. Katz and it was really cool. At first I wasn't sure we should go cos people seemed to think I should be doing important things for the team, but Kev said we needed to practice our golf so we could win back some of the dollars we'd overpaid our marginal players once April comes around.

I love going out on holidays with the guys but sometimes they are a little mean to me. When we got to our hotel Kev said 'last one to the golf course has to carry all the clubs'. I thought I was going to win but Mess elbowed me in the face. I still beat Mr. Katz but then Kev changed the rules and said 'anyone that doesn't have a billion dollars or at least two stanley cup rings has to carry the clubs'. I got really angry and told them that I'm the GM of a big hockey team but they told me to shut the fuck up if I still wanted a job. Anyway, I didn't have to carry the clubs cos there were golf carts but the guys wouldn't let me drive one because of the bad thing that happened that time when we were drunk and I got in the zamboni at Rexall.

I like Mess and Mr. Katz lots but I really love hanging out with Kev the best. He's like my big brother but I have to remember not to say that in public. He said if I ever made people think we were biologically related again he'd punch me in the head. The last time he hit me I walked around with the imprint of six stanley cup rings on the side of my head for a week. Everyone in the office was laughing and said that was the closest I'd ever come to getting a cup ring in Edmonton. I got really mad and started to shout but then I remembered what Kev told me. When anyone mentions the cup I have to say really slowly and really clearly that this is a rebuild and that rebuilds take time and that good things come to those who wait and we're all sticking to the plan.

To be honest, I'm really bored with waiting. It used to be way more exciting, like that night when Kev and I took Dany Heatley to every strip club in Edmonton just to show him how cool we are. But Kev says we really fucked up back then and now we just need to keep saying the 'rebuild' thing while he works out what the hell we're going to do.

So it's back to work for me and Kev says I have to phone every GM in the league to try and sell them Alice. That sounded like too much hard work so I just rang my friend Dean in los angeles and asked him if he wanted to do more swapsies. He shouted at me that he didn't want any more damaged goods. I told him that Alice isn't damaged but is from Europe and they all talk funny like that over there. But Dean hung up and now I'm just waiting by the phone playing solitaire on my computer. I used to have internet but Kev took it away because some people were writing nasty things about us on things called 'blogs'. He also said he didn't want me to get any big ideas about managing the club but that seems unfair because I don't normally get any ideas at all. Right now I'm just thinking about all the hot chicks that used to come round here with Sheldon before he decided he didn't want to be friends any more and I had to show him who's big and sexy.

Apparently Kev says I have to be well rested for this thing called deadline day because I may have to give another press conference if he decides to make any moves. I love press conferences. They make me feel big and important and I think Kev is proud of me. That's what I want most of all cos then he doesn't shout at me so much.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this FanPost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or position of the staff.